こんにちは、りなてぃです。
わたしは小学校5年生から26歳の途中まで15年間、過食症に苦しんできました。
現在は体質改善の専門家の中村ひろきさんが主催する『90日間カラダ再生プログラム』に参加したことでかなり改善しつつあり、せっかくなのでこのブログで過食症のことや体質改善について綴っていこうと思います。
今回は、わたしが摂食障害になってしまった原因を思いつく限りすべてまとめてみました。
というのも、現在進行形で過食症や拒食症に苦しんでいる方はわかるかもしれませんが、摂食障害になってしまう原因は、必ずしも1つではないんですよね。
わたしの場合もとても複雑で、様々な要因が絡み合った結果、まずは拒食症になり、程なくして、反動で過食症へと移行していきました。
この記事では、わたし自身が思い当たる原因のすべてを簡単にまとめていきますので、
どうして過食症になってしまったのかイマイチわからない・・・
過食してしまうのはわたしの意思が弱いせい・・・
という方のヒントになるかもしれません。
わたしの摂食障害の原因はこんな感じ
- 家庭環境←これがすべての根っこにある
- 両親、特に母親との関係
- ゴミ屋敷の実家
- 子どもの頃からの生活習慣
- 性格
- 日本社会における女性の美しさへの価値観
- 友人関係のストレス
- 中学・高校での学生生活のストレス
- 発達障害グレーゾーン
これらはひとつひとつが分離した原因ではなく、それぞれが複雑に絡み合っています。
「過食症にならざるを得なかった人の人生の一例ってこんな感じで、あえてひとつずつ切り取るとこんな原因がありますよ」みたいなイメージで読んでいただければと思います。
以下でざっくりと解説していきますので、関係ありそうなところだけ読んでみてくださいね。
【すべての根源！】自己肯定感が育たなかった家庭環境
わたしの摂食障害のベースとなっているのは、家庭環境の複雑さから来る、自己肯定感の低さです。
物心ついた時から、「私なんて生まれて来なければよかったんだ」と思い込んでおり、中学生の頃からは特に理由もなく「死にたい」と思っていました。
うちは自営業なのですが、うまくいっていたことがありません。
原因は、”父方の祖父母の人間性が強烈すぎる”こと。笑
2人はおそらくADHDとASD混合型のため、普通の人と考え方がズレてしまうんですね。
実のおじいちゃんおばあちゃんの存在が元凶となり、うちは家庭環境がぐちゃぐちゃでした。
両親は日々をこなしていくのに精一杯で、心に余裕がありません。
当然、子育てにもあまり時間を割けなかったので、わたしは自己肯定感がうまく育ちませんでした。
自己肯定感が低いと、ありのままの自分を認めることができず、何かと自分を否定しがちです。
そういうストレスや、足りない自分を埋めるために過食をしていたなぁと思います。
【もうやめて！】他人の人生を生きている奴隷みたいな両親（特に母親との関係）
上記の通り、うちは家庭環境が複雑だったので、親との関係でも色々とあります。
わたしの両親は、いつも身近な人たちに振り回されながら我慢して生きていて、ちっとも楽しそうじゃありませんでした。
実はこれ、見ている子どもからすると想像以上に辛いことなんです・・・。
父方の祖父母が起こしたトラブルに収集をつけ、学校のPTAや地域の役員を押し付けられ、祖父の兄弟にも厄介事を押し付けられ・・・みたいな感じです。人がいいんですよねぇ、うちの親。。
でもそれでいて、家の中で文句を言うんですよね(笑)
仕方ないのはわかりつつ、これがかなりキツイ・・・。
昔はわたしも一緒になって相手を責めていましたが、大人になってくると、「あれ？なんか違くね？」と思うようになって・・・
「文句言うならなんで引き受けちゃうの？それってほんとにお父さんやお母さんがやる必要あるの？そろそろ自分の人生生きてよ！！お父さんとお母さんが昔からそうだから、私は大人って楽しくないんだって思わされて、社会に出るのが怖くて怖くて、社会不適合者になっちゃったんだよ！！！」
と、徐々に両親への怒りへと変わっていきました。（今はそこまで思っていません）
子どもは親を見て育ちます。
親が自分を蔑ろにして我慢ばかりしている人生を送っていると、子どもの人生も必然的にそうなっていくのです。（もちろん、すべての人に当てはまるわけではありませんけどね。）
特に母親との関係は、女性の人生に大きく影響すると思っています。
極論かもしれませんが、お母さんが幸せに生きていたら、娘は安心して幸せになれるんですよね。
わたしは今でも、お母さんが自分軸で生きられていないような話を聞くと苦しくなって、その後に過食してしまうことがあります。
【大人になって気付いた】いつの間にかゴミ屋敷になっていた実家
これは家庭環境から派生した問題です。
大変お恥ずかしいのですが、うちの実家は絵に描いたようなゴミ屋敷…というか、不用品で溢れ返ったモノ屋敷です。
父方の祖父母、そして父はADHD傾向が強く、片付けがまっっったくできません！笑
そうすると自動的に母がやることになるのですが、そんな母も、日々が忙しすぎて精神的に片付けに回すエネルギーがありません。
わたしは実家に住んでいた期間が長かったので、「うちこのままじゃヤバイ！」と気付いてから、どうにかしていらないモノを処分しようと奮闘してきました。
しかし、ゴミ屋敷に慣れるとそれが普通になってしまうので、うまく家族を説得できないまま今も月日が流れています。
部屋が乱れていると、それがノイズとなり、思ってる以上にストレスを感じてしまいます。
わたしのように敏感な気質の人は尚更かもしれません。
わたしは実家にいるときの過食が酷く、実家を出て彼と同棲するようになってから少し収まりした。
【お菓子食べ放題に不規則な生活！】子どもの頃から乱れていた生活習慣
過食症になった原因はメンタルだけでなく、生活習慣にもあったと思います。
うちは自営業で忙しかったので、生活リズムが不規則になりがちでした。
親が夜遅くまで働いていたので、子どもの頃から夜更かしをしがちだったり、
「おやつは毎日決まった量だけ」という習慣がなかったので、砂糖たっぷりのお菓子や菓子パンが毎日食べ放題でした。
わたしはごはんもしっかり食べていたタイプでしたが、
ごはんの前に菓子パン2個とか、アイス3個とか、ファミリーパックのお菓子1袋とかを平気で食べていたので、今思えば異常です。
家族全員それが普通だったので、高校生の頃、スレンダーな友達が
うちは毎日決まった量のおやつがお皿に盛られて出てきて、それ以上は食べちゃいけないルールだった！
と言っているのを聞いて衝撃を受けた覚えがあります。だから細いのか！と。
生活習慣の乱れは過食のもと。
睡眠時間が短いと肥満になりやすく、次の日に過食しやすくなるし、
砂糖たっぷりのお菓子ばかりでは必要な栄養素が足りないので、それを補うためにまたドカ食いスイッチが入ってしまうのです。
子どもの頃からもう少しまともな生活習慣が送れていたら、おそらくここまで過食症が長引くこともなかったと思いますね。
【いい子ちゃんは大変なんです】真面目、優等生、完璧主義な性格が自分を苦しめていた
わたしは真面目です。
そして、子どもの頃から息をするように優等生をやってしまいます。
さらには完璧主義で、こだわりが強いほうです。
はい、この性格、めちゃくちゃストレス溜まります(笑)
摂食障害になってしまう人は、このような性格の人が多いみたいですね。
真面目だから優等生を頑張ってしまい、自分の気持ちを抑圧してしまいます。
完璧主義でこだわりが強いから、自分のミスを許せません。
わたしは外ではいい子ちゃんをやっていて気を張りつめているので、帰宅すると一気に緊張が解けて過食してしまうことが多いです。
そして、完璧主義なので過食した自分を責めて落ち込むんですね。
実は完璧主義というのは、完璧な人のことではなく、決して完璧にできない人のことを指します。（初めて知ったときはなるほどと思った）
- 目標を高く設定しすぎて、途中で心が折れて達成できない
- 1日にやることを多くしすぎて、間に合わなくて達成できない
みたいな感じですね。笑
完璧主義の人は、目標達成ができず「自分はダメな奴なんだ」という負の教育を自分で繰り返してしまい、どんどん自分に自信がなくなっていきます。
わたしもずーっとそれを繰り返してしまって、その度にストレスで過食→自己嫌悪に陥っていました。
【理想の青春どこいった？】ストレスフルでなんのために生きてるかわからなくなった中高生時代
私はどちらかといえば、社会人になってから生きるのがラクになったタイプ。
真面目で優等生だったので、学生時代は周りの大人の言う通りに頑張りすぎて疲弊していました。
いちばんキツかったのが中学・高校時代。
中学は地元ド田舎で人生一ブラックな3年間を過ごし、
高校は街の環境に馴染めず、人生一地獄の3年間を過ごしました(笑)
当時は好きなことに夢中になれるような時間もエネルギーもなかったので、健康的なストレス解消法を見つけられず、もっとも気軽に快楽を得られる「過食」で毎日をやり過ごすしかありませんでした。
親には「世の中に出たらもっと理不尽なことがたくさんある」と言われていたので、
「今こんなに辛いのにもっと辛くなるの？え、私なんのために生きてるの？｡･ﾟ･(ﾉД`)･ﾟ･｡」
と思ってしまって、夢も希望もなくなってしまいました。
それと、中高生時代も相変わらず容姿の美しさを渇望していて、さらに高校には可愛い子がいっぱいいたので、人生でもっとも自分の容姿に強い劣等感を感じていました。
他人と自分を比べてストレスを感じ、細くなりたいのに食べてしまって自己嫌悪…というループをずっと繰り返していたことが苦しかったです。
【テレビも雑誌も呪詛だらけ】日本社会の女性への「細くなければならない」という刷り込み
これも摂食障害になった理由としてよく聞きますね。
わたしは子どもの頃から目立つのが好きで、容姿を気にしはじめるのが早かったのですが、それゆえに「細くなければならない」という呪いにかかってしまいました。
今は「自分の生まれ持った美しさを磨いていこう」という、女の子ひとりひとりを尊重した世界になってきていると思います。徐々にですけどね。
たとえば、プラスサイズモデルやリアルサイズモデルの活躍、高身長や低身長の人向けのアパレルに、骨格診断やパーソナルカラー診断の誕生などは、多くの女性を安心させたことでしょう。
しかし、わたしが美容に目覚めた頃というのは、とにかく「細さが正義」という風潮でした。
テレビ番組では次々と新しいダイエットが紹介されては廃れ、雑誌を開けば棒みたいに細いモデルしかおらず、彼女たちのスリーサイズや体重などの＂数値＂が公表され、「こんなに細いんなんてすごい！」と、褒めちぎられていました。
これは美容に興味のある女の子にとって、毎日毎日、
「お前は太っているから痩せろ」
と言われているようなものです。
そして、世の中全体としてそういう考えの人が多かったので、思春期に意地悪な女子や男子に容姿を貶された経験もあります。
特に男子にからかわれるのって辛いですよね。相手がブサイクでクソ野郎だとしても、その後にイケメンに「そんなことねぇよ」って言ってもらえるくらいの神イベントがなければ、女としての自分を傷つけられたと感じてしまいます。笑
しかし今思えば、その子たちも哀しい風潮を刷り込まれていたんですよね。
【性格悪くても可愛ければ幸せじゃん】嫉妬に狂い価値観が歪んだ友人関係（+αで母親）
これはひとつ上で書いた「女の子は細くなければならない」という刷り込みにも関係しています。
わたしが10代の頃に作り出してしまった歪んだ価値観で、
「性格が悪くても可愛ければ幸せ。性格が良くて綺麗な人はあんまりいない。（=つまり幸せじゃない）」
というものがあります。
これは、容姿を気にしだした思春期の頃、
気の強いリーダー格の女子が、”細くて可愛いけど意地悪だった”ことと、
「大事なのは中身なんだから」と慰めてくれていた母親が”性格は良くても綺麗じゃなかった”ことから始まります。（お母さんごめんなさい）
引かれるかもしれませんが、わたしは10代の頃に学校の女の子たちを観察していて、
あの子性格悪いなぁ。でも細くて可愛いしオシャレだし、本人たちは好き勝手やってて、陽キャだしすごく幸せそうだな。
逆に性格のいい優しい子たちには、あんまりスタイル良くて美人な子っていないな。服装も地味だし、なんだか陰キャが多いよなぁ。
と感じていて、容姿の美しさが重要と考えていたわたしは「なんか理不尽だよなぁ…」と思っていました。
もちろん、性格の良い美女もいましたが、ごく少数に感じて・・・
しかし、母に容姿のことを愚痴ると、決まって
お母さん
と言われてしまうのです。
でもそういう母は、中身に重きを置いている（=他人のために生きている）結果、髪はボサボサで白髪が見えている、化粧の仕方がわからない、服も流行遅れすぎてちょっとなぁ…という状態だし、そもそも幸せそうじゃなかったので、正直説得力がありませんでした。
ここで、
よし、それなら自分は＂見た目も中身も素敵な子＂になるぞ！
というのが健全な在り方だと思うのですが、それはわたしにとって簡単なことではありませんでした。
わたしは性格の悪い美女たちを「ずるい」と思っていました。
他人を不快にさせてる子ばっかり可愛くて幸せそうにしてるなんて、神様は不公平だ、わたしはこんなに人に気を遣って頑張ってるのに、なんであの子たちばっかり…と。
今思えば「いやお前それ関係ねーから！そんなことより自分磨いとけ！」という感じなのですが、当時は感情の整理ができず、ただただ世の中の理不尽さに嘆いて嫉妬ばかりしていました。
今は考え方が変わりましたが、あの頃はしんどかったなぁ…
【無能感で自己肯定感爆下がり！】ADHD / ASD の二次障害
わたしの自己肯定感が低いのには、発達障害も関係しています。
私の家系はADHD（注意欠陥・多動性障害）とASD（アスペルガー症候群）の傾向があります。
発達障害は遺伝するので、私よりも父、そして父方の祖父母がいちばん症状の度合いが強いです。
わたしは高校生の頃、病院で「極めてアスペルガーに近い普通の人」と診断されました(笑)
いわゆる”グレーゾーン”というやつですね。
個人的にはここにADHDもがっつり入っていると思っています。
グレーゾーンの中には「どうせ発達障害なら障害者手帳をもらいたいたかった」と考える人も少なくありません。
それはなぜかと言うと、”とにかく生きづらい”からです。
軽度であろうと、発達障害。
グレーゾーンは子どもの頃から人間関係や日常生活でトラブルを抱えやすいので、そのことで自分を責めてしまい、自己肯定感を下げてしまいます。
そして、そのメンタルから二次障害として「摂食障害」や「うつ」などを併発しやすいと言われています。
ADHDとASDの特徴については長くなるので語りませんが、摂食障害の方は可能性として知っておいてもいいかもしれません。
【過食症のあなたへ】自分を責めないでね
過食症になると、「自分の意思が弱いからだ」と自分を責めてしまいがちです。
わたしもそうでした。
しかし、抑えきれずに食べてしまうのには人それぞれ、何らかの原因があります。
そもそも人間は、意思の力よりも習慣化されたことをこなすほうが得意な生き物だそうですよ。
まあ、それもそうですよね。意思でどうにかなるのなら、世の中こんなにダイエット情報で溢れていませんし、自己啓発本も売れていないでしょうからね。笑
つまりは、意思の弱さなんてみんな自信ないし、気にする必要ないってことです！！
もしも、周りにあなたの苦しみを理解しようとせず、挙句に「甘え」や「言い訳」と厳しいことを言う人がいたとしても、これ以上頑張る必要はありません。さらっと流してください。
あなたはもう十分頑張っていますし、頑張っているあなたが潰れないように、カラダがたくさん食べていてくれているんです。
あなたの苦しみはとても尊いものです。あなたの人生を、他人が否定する権利はありません。
だから、自分だけは最後まで自分の味方でいてあげてくださいね。（もちろん、わたしも味方です。）
そして、どうかまずは自分の食べたい気持ちを認めてあげてください。
さて、今日はこのへんで！
これからもこのブログでは摂食障害関連のことを発信していきます。
ここまで読んでいただきありがとうございましたm(_ _)m
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